| Appendix A (Freudian E-slip: Communicating Sex Online) |
[Apr. 5th, 2000|02:08 am] |
Glossary
APPENDIX A:
How To Present Gender WELL!
Men:
Write more than women
That's right, in spite of the stereotype, men write longer posts and replies on average. So ham it up.
Use sentence fragments
We do that. Fragment sentences. Too many words otherwise. Short is good.
Don't offer much personal information
That's right. We tend to not talk about our personal lives. If it's good? What's to talk about? If it's going poorly, we don't like to tell anyone we're vulnerable.
Only occasionally discuss guy things
It's not all football and cars. We have lives. Really.
Rarely apologize
We do apologize every now and then. But most of the time, we hope it blows over. In fact, usually, we're not in the wrong.
Aggressive behavior
Males test one another. Firm handshakes, strong language, joking insults... we want to know who can take it. Women are to be flirted with and impressed, and occasionally won over and bedded.
Swear
Not all males swear. But most of us do. And boy do we, goddammit.
It's not an opinion, it's a fact
Seriously. If we say it, it IS.
Don't use modals
Modals are words that add a degree of certainty. DON'T use: "I think that's true," "It must be true," "It can't be true," "It might be true." We don't have to use these things, because if we say it, it's true. We don't HAVE to qualify it with “ifs” “ands” “maybes” and “perhapses.”
Use FIRM adverbs
Adverbs modify what adjectives don't, particularly verbs. Make them forceful. "always happens," "never happens," "won't happen," "will happen." Remember, if we say it, it has to be true, and we're going to MAKE you believe it.
Women:
Write less than men
Do we talk more? That's the reputation. But online, there is a tendency to hold back, to hesitate in putting our views out there.
Good grammar
We use good grammar and complete sentences because language is too beautiful and poetic to be ruined by making it all short and brutish. Please, don't abuse the language by just grunting all the time.
Apologize frequently
It's better to smooth things over and fix relationships than to stick to our guns, even if we're right!
Refer to emotion frequently
How we feel is important to us! We share our feelings so people know what we're going through.
Seldom discuss girl things
Yes, the boys are cute, the sale was awesome, and the cramps suck. But we have a lot going on in our life! Like classes, what a nuisance making dinner was tonight, and how cute our kitty was playing with the feather.
Minimize own value
It's better to play down our own worth than to step on toes. Harmony trumps being right.
Share large amounts of personal information
Our lives are important! And we want people to understand what is going on. They're our friends, they want to know these things.
Share opinions
It's just my opinion. I could be wrong. And I don't want to be rude or insulting by insisting it's more right than yours!
Use modals
Modals are words that add a degree of certainty. "I think that's true," "It must be true," "It can't be true," "It might be true." And we use them! See, we've always got to qualify things. There's a chance we might be wrong, but when we don't doubt it we need to make sure that people know that it simply has to be true!
Use adjectives
Adjectives modify nouns. "the red fox," "the fat fox," "the cute fox," "the noisy fox." It's rarely just a fox. How will we tell it from all the other foxes?
How To Present Gender POORLY!
Men:
Don't refer to emotion
Cause we don't have them. No, really. We're machines.
Don't apologize
We are never wrong. And we won't pretend we are just to make people happy, because then the apology would be wrong.
Minimize own value
Because being so GRRRR all the time is hard to do.
Share opinions
Remember, our thoughts are important and we need to share them, but we could be wrong, so they're not really facts.
Share large amounts of personal information
Wouldn't everyone want to know all about how we spend our manly time doing manly things?
Discuss guy things to excess
It's all about cars, football, and women. Really, we have a one track mind.
Womanize
We all want to get into women's pants. That's what women's pants are for.
Be Aggressive
If we're not fighting or competing we're not really men.
Be insulting
Because girls like bad boys, and it scares all the other men into giving us our due.
Swear like a sailor
Because we fucking talk like fucking bastards constantly, right? DAMN right!
Use modals
Modals are words that add a degree of certainty. "I think that's true," "It must be true," "It can't be true," "It might be true." And we should always qauntify our speech, because it might be, perhaps, a possibility, but we don't know that it's an absolute fact.
Use adjectives
Adjectives modify nouns. "the red fox," "the fat fox," "the cute fox," "the noisy fox." So that the girls know which fox we mean. The more adjectives, the better.
Women:
Don't offer much personal information
Unless it's our bust size, underwear color, and how horny we are tonight. That's all the boys care about anyway.
Don't be emotional
It's annoying. No one wants to deal with tears or babytalking happiness.
Be insulting frequently.
We're catty and gossipy, right?
It's not an opinion, it's a fact
Because we're always right. Even when we're wrong, we're right. If you don't think so we're not talking to you all week.
Talk about girl things to excess
Because all we care about is clothes, cuddly things, birth control, and cramps.
Don't use modals
Modals are words that add a degree of certainty. DON'T USE: "I think that's true," "It must be true," "It can't be true," "It might be true." Remember, if it's right, it's RIGHT. So why suggest there's a chance it's wrong?
Use FIRM adverbs
adverbs modify what adjectives don't, particularly verbs. Make them forceful. "always happens," "never happens," "won't happen," "will happen." Remember, you have to dominate the beliefs of everyone around you!
NOW LET'S GET SOME EXAMPLES!
All four will discuss the same situation. A student is discussing the day's transformation class. The teacher isn't very capable, but a funny prank was pulled, so it was an okay day.
Male, played well:
Had transformation today. Class sucked. It always sucks. Magus Bower couldn't transform a sack of carp to a sack of crap. Damn moron. He needs to be fired. Place would be better off if he got canned. Mortimer transformed all the chairs into deer. That was funny as hell. Best prank ever. Laughed my ass off.
Female, played well:
So we had transformation class today. Suzy, Jenny and I all have it together. Thank goodness! They always make me happier when they’re around. I wish Magus Bower didn't teach it though. I really don't think he's very good. Mortimer transformed all the chairs into these wonderful deer. I thought that was really funny. It really brightened up my day.
Male, played poorly:
I had that damn transformation class today. Ben, Joe and I went to it together after class and sat behind Suzy, and Jenny, because they are so very hot. I'd like to transport their clothes right off of them. The class really fucking sucked in my opinion. Not that my opinion matters. I think that idiot Magus Bower sucks most of the time but someone else might disagree, so who am I to talk? Mortimer transformed all the chairs into these awesome deer. I think he did it to impress Suzy because he has a crush on her. Joe told me that at dinner. I'd so like to kick Mortimer's ass. But it was really a funny joke. It made me pretty happy even though I think the class is so bad.
Female, played poorly:
So we had transformation class today. Wore the sexiest outfit I had. Take that, Suzy. I bet she pads her bra. It was uncomfortable, though, because I was cramping. I'll have to get some Advil when I go shopping later. Magus Bower sucks. He needs to be fired. At least Mortimer transformed the chairs into deer. Pretty funny.
Appendix B: The Survey |
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